Friday, March 05, 2004
11:46 AM

... moving on... letting go... ...

[from a friend, i jus wanna share it with u as
well]

It occurred to me again, this time in the middle
of procrastinating against studying for an exam
tomorrow. I kept you safe within the remote
areas of my consciousness, but suddenly, as if
driven by an unknown force, your memory unearths
itself, returning some sort of unfinished
business. Consequently, I pause from studying
and I start thinking about you.
And it always left me a touch of sadness.

As far as I was concerned, I made it a point not
to think about you anymore, at least not that
often as I used to, in the form of
preoccupation. There’s a lot of homework to do,
friends to spend time and energy with, family
affairs, television, radio. There’s even a new
object of affection in the rough. Works for the
most part, I should say. Within the confines of
my room with school books before me, there is
forgetting.

Just like the manner by which ice cubes freeze
bacteria within their crystal networks. As long
as they remain frozen, everything’s safe. There
is no need to worry.

But somehow, you still manage to permeate my
system, as if it were an expertise or a
tediously-learned skill. Moment by moment, you
profusely enter my mind, filling my awareness
with lost memories of once-upon-a-times and
whatnots. Remembrances of holding hands,
afternoon walks, lunch outs, text messages and
phone calls. Of yesterday’s seemingly
unbreakable promises and proclamations of
forever.

I should’ve put into mind what an old friend
once wrote, ‘Forever is not real’.

I have always yearned to understand what had
happened between us. Us won’t even suffice: it
was never a real relationship to begin with. We
just hung out and talked and spent time together
more often than we did with our other friends
and colleagues. Sometimes it pained me that I
could not do anything in my power to make you
speak about us. Certainly, the ambiguity was
present, the ambiguity which you never wanted to
clarify.

I could only let you go on with whatever it was
that you desired, whether it be ranting about
your insecurities, rejoicing over happier news
or lamenting about your eventful past. On the
other side, I remained silent in the middle of
your hyped-up emotion. I was like a child with
beaming eyes, eager to hear more stories of how
you came about to be the person that you are.
For you once told me that listening to you gave
you strength to go on, and so I did. I have
always wanted you to be okay.

Yet when it was my turn to be heard, the silence
was a void. I suspended my disbelief when I
convinced myself that you always meant well,
whenever you apologized for there was nothing
you can do about my bouts of depression, or when
you simplify things by saying that everything
will be alright. I know I should not expect
things from other people; perhaps I was at fault
when I wanted more from you when you can only
give so little.

You hurt me. You hurt me many, many times. You
hurt me so intensely I never dared to tell you
anything about it. I was a fool to think that it
was a better way of dealing with things. And
that, I presume to be my biggest mistake: I
abandoned myself. I sought for your happiness
that I forgot about mine altogether.

And just like that, you vanished, very much like
a soap bubble floating across air. I have
watched you in complete awe, wonder and even
fascination. And similar to any ethereal
fleeting moment, you were gone, leaving me
clueless as to whether you even existed in the
first place.

So maybe what we had was love. Maybe I loved
you, and I hope to heavens that you loved me
back: even just for a split second when we held
hands, or during that moment when I looked into
your eyes, or the time when I laughed at one of
your silly quirks. I’d be content with that
idea, I’d be content that in the course of our
friendship, there was a moment of mutuality;
even if it was so quick I never noticed it all.

Perhaps I still do love you, but that won’t do
much now. I can fight to save everything that
I’ve invested, but I chose not to. I have
treasured you in the past, and that will be
enough. Right now, all I can do is wish you well
in all your endeavors, including the pursuit for
the one who is right for you. When you find her,
I wish she makes you happy. You make her happy
as well.

The end is only a beginning disguised as a
parting. I will still think about you every now
and then, probably be sad once in a while, but
you need not to worry. For I am okay and I will
be okay under all circumstances. It may take
time for me to love again, but in the long run,
it will be all worth it. I may still risk
myself, but every risk in its own respect is
worth taking anyway. Love is such a convoluted
mixture of emotions and decisions that it’s a
matter of working your way through it.

Thank you for gracing my life like a whirlwind,
leaving me breathless and hurt, inspired and
furious, affectionate and listless. You’ve
taught me quite a lot and I learned them in the
most humbling manner. Thank you for showing me
what it means to be human, to commit mistakes,
and to discover how to regain yourself after
everything that had happened.

Like what I always say, Ad astra per aspera. A
rough road leads to the stars. I’m on my way to
becoming stellar.



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