Tuesday, June 29, 2004
4:58 PM

... deng! ...

today, i had this conversation with bb. i really was shocked and surprised coz it never occured to me that he was actually falling so much for me... but did buffer it so as to save our relationships with our other men.... unfair, but wise. kaasar!

we remain. ;)
lov u b.

jayd

==================================================

jaydhunk: dc me
jaydhunk: wat was my last msge?
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: hhhhmmmmm
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: dadating na si joseph
jaydhunk: ah ok
jaydhunk: i gotta say this: my one week with u, from the time we met, til the outing, was one moment i wont forget
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: its not yet finish
jaydhunk: if tere was one person whom i had loved so much other than joseph and other than my relationship with him now, it was u
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: you want it to end???
jaydhunk: its weird, but the happy moments that i can recall was just that week
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: loved??? so its past tense
jaydhunk: everything else seemed like bull...
jaydhunk: of course i dont it to nd
jaydhunk: to end
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: ok kala ko gusto mo na sya mag end
jaydhunk: but something tells me that i should be goin on to the next level
jaydhunk: since u wont allow me to love u so much
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: yep
jaydhunk: i know u dont love me as much as i love u
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: thats the only thing i want because we both know that we have other relationship
jaydhunk: and i can never question that
jaydhunk: yes that was clear from the start
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: i do love you until now but yes your corrct that you love me as much as i love you
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: but i do love you
jaydhunk: lemme jus ask u, jus lemme hear wat u gotta say: y do u love me still?
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: i dunno
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: i just love you still
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: you knwo what....
jaydhunk: yes?
jaydhunk: what?
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: kaya ako nag lie low na magkita tayo and good thing naman dumating si omar
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: kse natakot ako
jaydhunk: ntakot na?
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: kase you love me so much
jaydhunk: yeah, but uv seen how cooperative i was ryt?
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: amd i cant love you back the level you love me
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: yep
jaydhunk: i love u so much that id do whatever u say
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: di ako natatakot for myse;f
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: and for your ither relationship
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: kase ayoko ako makasira
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: hope you understand me
jaydhunk: of course u wont
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: i will
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: i know myself
jaydhunk: i understand d stability of urs with omar and mine with joseph
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: kung minahal kita ng todo
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: na kasing level ng pagmamahal mo o baka mas pa
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: iba ako ma inlove ng todo b
jaydhunk: ok. i understand
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: and papunta na ako dun
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: sa realtionship natin
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: kaya ako na nag lie low
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: i know myself
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: pag nag mahal na ako ng todo
jaydhunk: so did u get what u want
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: masisira ang dapat masita
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: masira
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: i think oo
jaydhunk: ok.
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: kse ramdam ko hindi na ganoon kataas ang level ng love mo sakin
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: which yun ang gusto ko
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: baka nga hindi mo na ako mahal
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: lam mo ba
jaydhunk: i dunno what to say
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: muntik na kita mahalin ng todo\]muntik na kita mahalin ng mas higit ke omar
jaydhunk: but what i feel.... its so unfair. but i undestand
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: and natakot ako
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: kaya yun
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: i know its unfair for you
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: pero i did that...to protect both our relationship
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: kung magagalit ka sakin because of that
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: i cant balme you
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: blame
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: you have all the right
jaydhunk: i was just waiting for u to love me back as much as i am lovin u
jaydhunk: then id be askin joseph to stay there
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: i know...
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: and thats what i dont want to happen
jaydhunk: i still think of u
jaydhunk: a lot
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: alam mo after the outing... when i saw your reaction with kim
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: sobra kitang minahal
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: and then i realized that
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: kung ganun mo ako kamahal
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: baka masira pareho relationship natin
jaydhunk: b, i dont wanna lose u
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: thats why kailangan ko kumilos and gumawa ng paraan for you not to love me that much
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: good thing nga dumating so omar
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: so makakaiwas ako sayo
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: b.....
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: me too
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: i hvae been thinking a lot
jaydhunk: i always dream of u
jaydhunk: i always imajin u r with me
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: ive been thinking to stop all of this
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: kase sobrang nakokonsensya na ako
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: pero i cant
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: kse nga i care for you
jaydhunk:
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: b...
jaydhunk: u always make me cry
jaydhunk: hapi or sad
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: sorry
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: i dont mean too
jaydhunk: shud i see u still?
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: yep
jaydhunk: ung tyong 2 lang
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: yep
jaydhunk: ok
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: just give me time
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: give ourselves time b
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: darating si joseph
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: and babalik si omar sa first year anniv namin
jaydhunk: but when he comes home, he wont be goin anywhere
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: thats why ganito ako ngayon
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: kung magulo isip mo B
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: mas magulo isip ko
toocoldtohandlebelowzero: kung alam mo lang
jaydhunk: its enuf b, that u let me love u, that u almost loved me more than him. its enuf. i can really smile now.

====================
dc na ulit ako. grrrrrrrrrr _______________________________________

1:38 PM

... Post White Party Ekluh ...

weekend was a blast! white party was a blast!
imagine so many cute gays and bisexuals and hunks for one huge party!
hay, im still tired now. went dancing all night and got so drunk!
met a lot of old friends too. and my exs as well! hahaha!
_______________________________________

Friday, June 18, 2004
11:14 AM

... refreshed @ 7 hrs of sleep. ...

wahoo! i cant recall when was d las tym i got to sleep for 7 hours straight!
i now feel like i was reborn or sumthing. hehe!
but then again, its already friday. and its going to be a looong weekend.
bad trip coz ive taping d whole day of saturday and sunday!
lecheng work! panira sa social life! like what dada wud always say to us his nanaks.

bb texted me las nyt, saying he's sorry for not remmbering our special day. he's still confused pa daw. he said he'd be seeing me nx week pa. ok. no prob.

then bebe emailed me, asked him if he misses me. he answered "mejo, wink wink".
xempre kinilig ako. i asked him for a movie date this weekend. sa pink film fest perhaps.

and babes, hasn't called me 4 2 nyts na pala! ill call him mamaya.

hay, ang hirap maging..... alam mo na... cute? hot? hunk?
hmmmmm........ humble ako e. kaw na bahala. _______________________________________

Thursday, June 17, 2004
4:40 PM

... bangenge episodes ...

was so drunk last nyt.
its wayback wednesday @ BED.
of course, cudn't resist randy d cute waiter.
so my 1st drink was the nightmare. a jump start!
then followed by blue frog. d newest.
i then tried justin. just curious.
and then brian. ewww!
and then justin again. yum!
and then the sleeper. for a clean finish.

i think i drank enough.
and i didnt get to sleep at all!
danced all nyt long!

til morning!

another bangenge episode.
_______________________________________

Tuesday, June 15, 2004
10:49 PM

... i remain ...

to my babes, my true love.
thanx for caling me whenevr you miss me.
and for letting me still feel important.
for letting me know u miss my caring and thotful ways... that u now realize my existence and worth.. and that u r now longing to be with me again.

we just need to be patient my babes.
we myt be separated in flesh, but in our heart, we remain.

i remain.

and i am here. my love has unchanged.
it has even grown more mature now.
stronger.

and it still belongs to you.
_______________________________________

12:17 AM

... It's over. He's gone. ...

Why do we have to part while the love is still there? Why do we have
to suffer? Why do we have to cry when somebody bids goodbye? Why do
beginnings have an end? Why do we have to meet only to lose in the
end?

There are questions left unanswered, words left unsaid, letters left
unread, poems left undone, songs left unsung, love left unexpressed,
promises left unfulfilled.

In a relationship, one of the hardest things to do is saying goodbye
and letting go. It is as hard as breaking a crystal because you'll
never know when you will be able to pick up the pieces again. More
often than not, they who go, feel not the pain of parting: it is
they who stay behind that suffer, because they are left with
memories of a love that was meant to be, a love that was.

At the beginning and at the end of a relationship, we are
embarrassed to find ourselves alone. Unfair as it may seem, but
that's the way love goes. That's the drama, the bittersweet and the
risk of falling in love. After all, nothing is constant but change.
Everything will eventually come to its end without us knowing when,
without us knowing how, without us even knowing why. And we must
forget not because we have to but because we have to.

In letting go, sorrows come not as a single spy but in batallion. It
seems that everywhere you go, everything you do, every song you
hear, every turn of your head, every move of your body, every beat
of your heart, every blink of your eye and every breath you take
always reminds you of him. It's like a stab of a knife, a torture in
the night. Funny how the whole world becomes depopulated when only
one person is missing. Just imagine, there are billion people on
earth and yet it seems you feel lonely and empty without the other.
I don't know if it's worth calling an art, but letting go entails
special skills sparkled with a considerable space and time. Time
heals all wounds but it takes a little push on our part. Acceptance
plays a part. Not all love stories end with "...and they live
happily ever after."

Sometimes we have to part because of circumstances beyond our
control. We have to suffer if it would mean happiness for others. We
have to cry to temporarily let go of the pains. Every beginning has
its end like every dawn has its dusk. It's something we can't
control, something we had to live up.

It's over. He's gone. But life has to go on. Goodbye doesn't always
mean forever. There will always be a place and time where questions
will be answered, words will be spoken, letters will be read, poems
will be recited in the night, songs will be sung in harmony, love
will be expressed in solitude and promises will be fulfilled.
Somewhere. Somehow. Someday. _______________________________________

Thursday, June 10, 2004
10:11 AM

... come on ...

And finally the silence
Looking out, looking back across the sky
Trying to find a meaning
Knowing that I just left it all behind
Still I smell a lingering softness
Where did he go
How did he go
I wanna wanna know
I wanna know that he'll be coming here to me

Come on
Without you I'll never feel the love inside of me
Come on, you know that we belong
Come on, come on, come on, come on

Thinking back before him
I never knew the meaning of alone
Still the flag is feeling foreign
I live the day to escape into a phone
Speaking of a world not real then
Where did he go
How did he go
I wanna wanna know
I wanna know that he'll be coming here to me

Cause he's sharp for kisses
And my heart misses
He's coming
He's coming here to me
I'm needing
Desiring to kiss him now
I'm living for him
Breathing for him
Singing for him
...fairytale

Come on...
_______________________________________

Thursday, June 03, 2004
11:41 AM

... my sun and moon. ...

my sun and moon.

las nyt was not as tough as the other nyts. so...
i went back to the room where we first made love...

felt like u were there.

well, almost.

;(

wherever u r, always take care.

i miss u. _______________________________________

Tuesday, June 01, 2004
8:35 PM

... for you ...

for you who came to my life in the most unexpected time... but in the most gentle way.
for you who came to rescue me from the shadows of the past... and in the heat of ur warm embrace.
for you who gave me another chance to show how much i can love... and how much i can fight for love.
for you who showed me how to be strong again... and how to be meek at times.
for you who kissed me like no other... and who makes me feel wonder.
for you who stood by me.
my sweet surrender for now.
my beloved.

i miss u so much.
more than i have missed being me.
for i am so lost without you.
i miss our laughter.
i miss your text messages.
i miss your voice.
i miss your hair.
i miss your neck. your lips, your eyes that is so dear to me.
i miss all of u.
more than anything else.

for the love i almost lost.
a payment for all the harm ive done.
and pains i have caused.
unknowingly, were hurting.
and there was silence.
a consequence i have to face.

when do i see u again?
when do i hear ur heartbeat again?
when do we sleep together again?
the red wine is waiting...
and ur scent in my pillow is starting to fade.

pls come home soon.
_______________________________________