Monday, August 15, 2005
11:05 AM
... heartache-ing, not again... ...
after just a month, here i am again.
yes, heartaching.
sad, but true.
i dunno wat got into ian's mind and he decided not to spend the weekend with me.
it was our 1st month and i was hoping he wud spend even just a little time with me.
but he didnt! what a topak! he greeted me, yes, but that was just it???
and then i got no text from him after that, until now.
i felt like i was left hanging or sumthing. then it made me realize one thing.
a lot of things, actually.
just this morning, i texted my mom, my tita kakai, and my sis.
told them about what ive been thru the past weekend.
(i think they went nuts when they saw me stayed just at home for saturday and sunday---not very me!)
literally, i just stayed at home. di tlga ako lumabas kahit sa gate.
fixed the bathroom lights and fixtures, the entertainment system and the cds, did some household chores and all.
well, yun nga, i texted them that i think im duin d wrong thing.
i still love joseph and its just him i really love.
of course i felt sumthing for ian. but i think its not really love.
maybe i was just happy being with him, thats it.
but the feeling i feel for joseph, that is love!
its something that has always been there.
and will always be there.
the feeling that moved me. and made me complete.
i want to win him back.
but i want it to be right this time.
he should be free as well, meaning he would break up with his bf, which accdg to him is just for companion's sake.
and he should stop going to bathouses na. and dating.
but then again, if i will be demanding such,
it myt not be him. and he wont be happy.
i have learned to love him for 4 years being such.
why cant i love him still that way? why not now?
and what difference wud it make?
i wanna see myself being with sum1 like joseph minus d hangups.
but i guess, there's no other joseph.
there's just one joseph that i love d most.
should i lose again my pride that i thot i just fought for?
the same reason why i broke up with him almost a month ago?
or should i go on living a lie?
that i am happy and that i am secure and that i have a normal relationship?
or i thot i had?
my mom/tita kakai/sis, they all said that i shud go for what wud make me happy.
well, thats easier said than done.
oh boy, smbd just kill me now.
puhleze.
** currently eating Fita crackers for lunch, 18pcs to be exact, 300 calories all of it. too lazy to buy food downstairs.
** currently texting with mah sis. she's heartbroken too. huhuhu...
** currently lazy lazy lazy. i just wanna stay home and watch tv, soundtrip, eat, do taebo. wahhhh! i need a break! i really need it nahhhhhhhhh!
** currently wondering who will be in earlier for taping: between sherwin (pong pagong) and celle (ate shena). tantararan!
** currently listening to no music.
** looking forward to tonight. i think joseph's coming home....
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