Monday, May 21, 2007
4:48 PM

... the morning i needed shelter ...


This morning, before goin to work, i dropped by Edsa Shrine.
It was my 1st time to visit the Shrine, and it was my 1st time
to visit a church this year. I have not been goin to church since
2005 (or 2004 even) i guess. I have been spiritual for the
longest time but this morning, like no ordinary morning,
i desperately felt the need for some shelter to comfort me.

I first sat on one corner until i realized that there are
a lot of people which somehow distracts me. So I transferred
to one of the front seats. And there, it felt more peaceful.
I felt stronger. I know very well that I dont have to utter a single word.
God knows what is inside my heart at that very moment.
And then i started to cry.

I have been crying for 2 nyts already.
The 1st nyt, i kept it to myself coz i know it was just what i needed.
I thought its gonna make me feel better. Well, it did,
but only for sometime coz the ff day, i again felt lonely and wanting.
The 2nd nyt, my bestfriend and some other dear friends kidnapped
me after my swim class and took me out for some window shopping and dinner.
And during those times, i just proved to myself, I was really lonely.
I have companion already but I still cant get to manage it.
I gave fake smiles and false attentions. I cant seem to feel okay
coz I know that inside me, I am bleeding. On our way home,
i was not able to control it. I started to weep silently while
we were still inside my friend's van. My bestfriend Archie,
who was seated next to me, saw it and reached for my arm and held it tight.
That moment, i let go. It was a familiar touch which used to comfort me.
And i realized, it was just what i needed that time.
He was with me till i reached home.

About 2 weeks ago, a friend asked me if it has ever happened to me
that i woke up one morning crying coz it just happened to him.
He found it weird but i told him it has happened to me once before
and that he just needs to let it go. This morning, for the 2nd time,
i was crying when i woke up. I was actually not feeling well to go to work
but I have to go to work. I was really not in my senses today coz u know what,
i soaped my body first before conditioning my hair.
I had to redo my entire bath ritual. I was not thinking.
Or i guess, i was still not awake. or my mind is somewhere else.

So, I decided to go somewhere peaceful where i can let go
of what i still have here inside me. And yes, I went to church this morning.
I cried to Him and that was just what i needed.

God is wise. He knows my inner core.
And though my love shakes my inner core, only Him can make it heal. _______________________________________